he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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