Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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