Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
