Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
