HIV tests are more positive than that guy
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
