I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
