Only a mothe r could love this liver
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
