just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
