i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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