Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize