I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize