something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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