Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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