I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
