I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
