Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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