Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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