Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
