Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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