Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
