Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize