I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
