Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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