I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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