dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
