would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
