All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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