I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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