There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
