Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize