Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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