Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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