I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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