Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
