I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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