i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
