no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
