I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
