I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
