someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
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