Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
