My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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