just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
