Don't make out with my wife yet
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
