You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
