It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
