Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
