I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
