Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
