Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
