my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
