I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
