I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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