Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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