Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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