I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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