I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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