I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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