I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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