my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
