Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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