You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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